2020: reflections & 9 hard lessons learned

Battered, bruised, but still fighting. 

This is how my 2020 ended.

This is how my 2020 began. 

Days into 2020, I lost someone near and dear to my heart. 

This loss cut deep, but the first challenge of 2020 wasn’t my coping with the loss. 

The first challenge, days into 2020, was putting off my own needs to be there for others who needed me to help them through this very loss. 

This was a sign of things to come in 2020. More losses of loved ones. Financial stress affecting loved ones. Emotional stress affecting people close to me. 

If I were to pick a theme for my personal 2020, it would be:

The biggest reward in one’s life is the ability to be the rock others can lean on in times of hardship.

Even though 2020 brought to me some of the most difficult challenges I have faced in my 43 years on this spinning sphere, it brought much more hardship and pain to those I care about dearly. 

And this was exactly the fuel I needed to bite down hard, grit my teeth, and walk in head first into every day. And boy did I have to grit my teeth (literally, I need to see a dentist soon lol!).

And I know millions of people have suffered in 2020. 

People have suffered personal loss, financial loss, health challenges, and more. 

So I hope the lessons I learned in 2020 can be of use to others.

Here we go (sorry, it's long, you might have to come back to the list a few times):

1. The more there are people who depend on you, the bigger your motivation to work on your health and fitness 

As I'm writing this, on the first of January 2021, I am fitter and healthier at 43 than I've ever been in my entire life.

The amount of time and effort I dedicated in 2020 for my health & fitness has been the highest ever, despite the significant increase in "other" demands in my life.

I look back at the beginning of January, when I was watching people very close to me suffer, and the first thought that came to me then was: I owe it to them to be the the healthiest and strongest I can possibly be.

If I want to be the best version of a (i) provider and (ii) protector to them, then I need my body and brain to function at their best.

This thought process has been the fuel I used to overcome challenges and temptations in 2020 to really focus on my nutrition, sleep, stress management, and physical and mental training.

2. You can’t talk to family too much

The saying "you don't know the value of something until you lose it" is such a cliche... until you experience it...

I admit that, in the past, I didn't dedicate enough time to call and talk to family. I used "life" as an excuse...

I got into a new habit since early 2020: I dedicate time to speak to family on a regular basis. I don't let distractions get in the way: I schedule these calls in my planner just like I do work tasks, exercise, and other demands.

The biggest reward from this that I saw: family members started opening up to me more. They started telling me about the challenges in their lives and seeking my advice and help. I am no longer the "far away son or brother".

3. You can't always take someone's pain away

This one was very difficult for me to get to grasps with.

I accepted many years ago that there are certain things you cannot control. I'm perfectly fine in dealing with such situations and finding ways around them.

But in 2020, I realized that this acceptance was limited to uncontrollables within my own life - not when they impact someone else's.

Sometimes you will be faced with a situation where someone you care deeply about is going through extreme suffering, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it! And when you're used to being able to eliminate obstacles from that person's life, feeling helpless is hard to accept.

But you have to, because the wrong type of effort you put in may backfire and cause even more pain to the person you love.

4. Value of true friends

2020 has been very revealing to me as to the value of true friendship.
The few months we spent in lockdown opened my eyes towards the meaning of "true friendship".

I grew up with the mindset of "never ask for help from anyone", and I still live with this mindset today.

Nevertheless, I was surprised how a (small) number of close friends "felt" the challenges we went through at home in 2020 and went out of their way time and time again to selflessly offer more support than we could ever hope for.

And for that I am eternally grateful.

5. Save save save 

Along with the various other challenges, 2020 brought to me multiple "unexpected and large financial expenditures".

In a time of economic uncertainty, being hit with a number of unexpected expenses with many "zeros" at the end of them could have been much more stressful.

I am thankful that I had the savings to absorb them - but more importantly, I was able to really focus on "actively saving" since Jan 2020:

I put a lot of effort into tracking every single cent I spent, and making sure I minimize unnecessary spending.

In fact, I was able to reduce our "normal" spending by more than 30% in 2020 (vs. 2019).

You cannot underestimate the piece of mind you can get from having a significant savings "cushion" to absorb big expected hits. You sleep better.

6. You cannot have too many sources of income

Thirteen.

As I'm writing this, I was trying to think of how many people I know who lost their jobs in 2020.
I can think of thirteen, and this took 30 seconds. The more I think about it, the higher this number will be.

I've always said it, but 2020 was yet another big reminder of it: you cannot rely on a single source of income. YOU CANNOT RELY ON A SINGLE SOURCE OF INCOME!

You can be excellent at your job, and be the top performer among your peers... you can still lose that job!

You backup sources of income don't have to generate as much as your main job, but they can buy you time and breathing space if your main source of income dries up.

7. Rehearse the worst case scenario and plan for it

If you've read any of my articles before, you already know that I try to apply the principles of Stoic philosophy in my life.

One of the key principles is: mentally rehearse the worst case scenario in any aspect of your life which you care strongly about.

2020 not only brought many unexpected challenges, but also gave me a lot of time to spend on "reflection".

Whether it was in bed, during 2 hours of climbing stairs during lockdown, or a long run: I made it a point to think of the "worst case scenarios" in all aspects of my life, and what I would do to deal with them should they happen.

What if I got really sick or worse? What if someone I love got really sick or worse? What if I lose my job? etc.

And I didn't just "think" through these scenarios: for many, I put actionable plans in place to protect myself or loved ones in the event these things happen.

8. Look back at the most difficult times you went through: what could you have done better

As few weeks ago, I wrote an article saying that the absolute worst thing in 2020 is "letting the year end without having learned anything".

What I meant was: if you suffer through hardship, battle through challenges and not let that experience elevate your abilities to a higher level, then you have wasted a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a better, stronger, more capable human being.

So think back at all the challenges you went through in 2020: what could you have done better? What lessons did you learn and how can you make sure those lessons stay with you year after year?

9. Solo time is the best time create meaningful change

I made some big changes in my life in 2020.
I'm making even bigger changes in 2021.

But these types of changes come as a result of extensive self-reflection and thought.

You cannot change the course of your life on a whim.

You need to spend the time to deeply reflect and ask yourself the right questions:
- What are my values?
- What legacy do I want to leave behind?
- How can I make sure everyone is safe and secure if I'm no longer there?

I asked myself these questions on long walks alone.
I asked myself these questions sitting alone in a parked car for 2 hours.
I asked myself these questions on a long run.

And this is a journey with no destination: you may never fully find the answers. You're likely to only discover more questions.

So time alone is sacred.


As we enter 2021, remember that things don't magically fix themselves just because the year turned. 

Change happens from purposeful action.
Purposeful action comes from planning.
Planning comes from deep thinking.

So spend the time... trust me, it's worth it.

Happy New Year.

Tony